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Wednesday, February 23, 2005 Why is it that we fall for the hopeless stories? The hopeless fantasies? The hopeless dreams? It isn't hard to stop thinking about them. It isn't hard to shut them out of your life. They're just too damn fun to be in. To imagine the world the way you want it to be. Its just amazing and thrilling, kinda like going on a coaster ride not knowing what going to happen next. An Adventure. I was once on a roller coaster ride. I had the stop button in my hand. I moved my thumb to press on the stop button, yet something inside of me was telling me that I was having way too much fun to stop it. Even though I knew that I was gonna get sick and nauseous after the ride ends; I just stayed in it. I hated the feeling after. Then some time after. I got on another roller coaster ride and everything I wanted to stop it, I did with no problems. I wanna have fun. I wanna keep going in a roller coaster ride till the end and get out of it smiling. Just like everyone does. I can't make the decision of stopping something I enjoy. Its really hard to let go of what u adore. The mistake is.... When you start going about trying to make the fantasies become reality. Being nauseous after the roller coaster ride, is the same feeling you get at the end of trying so hard to accomplish that fantasy. But I guess we're not young anymore to run after what is pleasurable. A decision must be made before getting on that roller coaster ride.. or starting those non-existent Cinderella stories.. Its either willing to push the obstacles that will stand in you way, no matter what happens.. Or (the wise thing to do is) Live reality as it is.. And Stop trying to change the world that imposes itself on you without your control. It all comes down to.. Losing yourself or losing others. So do I stop? Do I not? But how do you tell yourself to stop? And how do you tell others to stop? Word Count: How many times did I write the word 'stop': 10 times. Tuesday, February 22, 2005 Today I had my deferred exam.. My first deferred exam in uni.. I didn't study much last night cuz i fell asleep.. but i studied enough to keep me going in the morning and finish up the second it hits 9 am and i go into the exam room... I walk in.. and 30 minutes later i catch myself falling asleep.. I write some more.. and more.. i finished 3 definitions and my eyes started to close again.. then 2 essays.. and still falling asleep in between again.. and before i started on my 3rd.. i got up went to the washroom washed my face TWICE.. went back in the room.. and started on my 3rd essay.. then i noticed that washing my face didn't do much.. and i was about to give up when i finished the 3rd essay.. So flashbacks come back to me.. on how the ashhhhh hole left my final paper on my desk during the exam and how i got up and cried.. and he told me how he reported me to the chair.. and how i fought and fought with the dean and the chair.. and tried to explain to them how unfair it was when i studied the most for this class and im getting the worst marks.. and its nothing new to me so why is it so hard to get anything past a D unless im really messing up... So they gave me a chance to prove myself and re-write the exam.. PROVE MYSELF.. I wrote the 4th essay... finished 30 minutes before time is up.. got up with the big smile.. like i just climbed up to the top of a mountain. Smiled at the proctor and she was happy too.. and i left.. So while im walking down the hall to go see my friend. I see the asshhh hole.. he looks at me.. and turns his face immidiatly to the wall and walks away.. LOSER... I will not end this fight until i get everything re-evaluated.. and come out with nothing less that a C+. I checked my horoscope for today... and it said.. Think of yourself as a marathon runner. ( yeah it felt like a marathon when i was walking quickly to the exam room while reviewing my papers.) You have a very long distance to travel (with Kondu.. Of course and i won't ever GIVE UP.. im in it till the last bit.. until will look at him in the hallway and smirk at his failuar.. thank god they fired him), but the sweetness is not only to be found in crossing the finish line (yeah yeah...i still got another semester till graduation.. i know) , but rather in relishing all the sights along the way (im gonna make every educational experience FUN and CRAZY.. and will enjoy every moment...). While your head today is overflowing with plans and ideas (thats not true... after the exam my head was just mush so im not thinking of anything.. and doing really brainless things.) , you begin to feel deflated when you begin to consider all the logistics of realizing these dreams (huh deflate??? ). Fret not, dear kamoola. The planets have blessed you with an energy level that is equal to the task, so go ahead and get started (thank you my stars.. :P I HAVE JUST STARTED). So Eimanie created a story with the msn emoticons.. who wants to guess what the story is.. it goes in order from left to right.. and i'll give you a hint.. its about a girl and a guy.. enjoy.                                                           
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